The more I grow the less I know
So am I really growing?
I sit here and watch all these people
success is at every bend for them.
And all I do is
work, work, work.
All I know is running myself into
Everything is all the same
Day after day
But I have changed, and not for the better
I used to be the best of the best
Everything is deteriorating beneath me
I’m not sure I’m even on the right track
But I am constantly running in circles.
The melody is so sweet
I can’t do it justice.
Dressed to the nines
practicing all the time
But my name is not being called
I’m in so thick, the plot so monstrous
I can’t even breathe the air around me
I remember this outlet, though I’m not very good
It’s taken me a while to get back where I should
I twist and twirl and pull my hair
to stop the numbness in my brain,
in my heart.
Everything good in me has been squelched.
My fear of not being perfect just makes it worse.
I haven’t found in myself the answer. You know the one I’m talking about. It’s the all knowing answer that solves all of life’s big questions. I haven’t found that. What I have found is deception, eruption, combustion. My life can be summed up in these three words. I’m so far off the beaten path that I don’t know what is left or right. Each way looks the same. I don’t know if being a total basket case is a good thing, I’m guessing by society’s standards, it’s a no. What I do know, is that I’ve found more in myself than I thought possible. I’ve bent so much, expecting to break. And then I bend again. It’s like origami over here. My words and thoughts are always jumbled and I don’t know what is next. But this time, I’m not panicking.
Shallow breathing and mental images.
The smell of stale bread assaults my senses.
Who are you to decide my fate?
I look at the wreckage I have caused.
I have made you utterly happy.
Happy for eternity, if I so choose.
But is this my lot in life?
Am I to settle because I don’t know what’s left?
There are a lot of questions.
My mind swirls with possibilities.
My eyes burn with need.
I just want some clarity.
But it’s too much to ask for.
You are happy and in love.
I am wondering what love is.
And I’m miserable.
These two do not coincide.
I drive to the ends of the earth, and what do I see? I see myself well again, waving on the other side. I decide to jump this abyss, to the promised land right in front of me. My heart beats, my palms sweat. You know, all the cliché things. I jump. And then I am flying. The wings break forth from my soul. It feels effortless to be this way. The wind stings my eyes. And then I realize the place I wanted to be is a blurry vision below. It’s sinking…deep, deep, deep, and down. Finally, there is black beneath me. I cannot look down anymore, because as I do, I start to fall from the sky. So I look up and soar high above. And somehow, this is much greater than the “better” me on the other side of the abyss. All I needed to do from the beginning was to jump past the fear and fly.
The pills make the words flow easily. Whether or not the words are wise, I can’t really say. All I know is, I regret every text I sent. But there is no going back.
Maybe saying what is truly in my mind…maybe opening up and being transparent to people…maybe that will be my New Years resolution.
And just maybe, my demons will go away.
Ironically, that is my goal…instead of these pills that dull the muzzle on my mouth.
I sit here in the dark.
The shadow is no longer my friend.
All I hear is the sound of inhalation.
This means my body is alive.
But my mind whirs.
It wonders where I am.
It thinks of where I am to go.
The eyebrows knit together.
The corners of lips turn slowly downward.
Sometimes I wonder.
And other times, I know.
I know I am merely laying here.
I am watching myself barely live.
Hot tears streaming down my face. My voice cracks. My heart aches. I sniffle. Something about crying makes me embarrassed. Everyone in the movies has a beautiful cry. But me, I don’t have a beautiful cry. I’m probably the ugliest cryer in the entire history of mankind. It’s not one single tear running down my cheek, but many. It’s like a waterfall. I don’t understand why my body threatens combustion. But when I cry, it’s a serious flood of tears.
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to live in a different world. I wish life were simpler, in many ways. Yet, I know somehow I would not be fulfilled then too. But I read all the great love stories, and I grasp onto poetry that ignites my soul. I can’t help but to think there is something more. And that maybe reading brings me into my own world entirely. I wish you would meet me there, bow low for me, kiss my hand, and look into my eyes with a smolder. Somehow, these simple acts would be more than I have experienced in a lifetime.
I was intoxicated by the perfume of his breath. It seemed to escape from his plump, moist lips. His distinct smell was so pungent my mouth started to water. I absently twirled my hair around my index finger. I moistened my own lips with my tongue in expectation of his on mine. I giggled nervously as he smiled my favorite crooked smile. One dimple escaped on his right cheek. Something about this smile subtly lifted my spirits. The word on my lips was “forever”.