Why does this happen? We are two people. We felt that hot streak, that passion…the flame. But now I’m here, at this crossroads standing alone. I’m staring at your blurry figure, masked by the dust. I don’t know what happened to the whispered forevers and wet kisses beneath the covers. You were the different one. But after all this time, was I just seeing a mirage?
Were you really a fantasy?
I’m here, standing at the crossroads, looking at you through the dust. Will you grasp my hand and pull me towards your side?
Laying under the covers and I see your sleeping form. Your face is so peaceful, so at rest. I slip my hand into yours and you don’t even move a muscle. Can it be that I will be looking at you, just like this, in a year…two…ten…fifty? Your hair is mussed and your lips are slightly parted. The scent of you cascades off my pillows. I brush my fingers against your knuckles and your eyelids flicker. I hope you are having dreams about me, about us. In that moment, all that matters is your sleeping form, and that I couldn’t imagine being with any other person in the world.
We were skating around the rink in circles, and it almost felt like real life. The skates rubbed against my ankles, and children were flying past me, fearless as usual. When did I lose that? You were holding my right hand. The room was steamy from all the moving bodies. Everyone was laughing too loudly, smiling too brightly. You looked over at me and suddenly I was disoriented. The lights on the floors made it seem we were traveling a different path than we were. The skates were heavy on my feet, and I stumbled, clutching desperately at your arm, dragging you down with me. Teenagers were talking close in one of the corners, with their hard pushed to the side and too much cologne. Overtired mothers sat at one table, staring blankly at the floor as children ran screaming past them. The fathers were all in a gathering looking very serious and manly, probably discussing football. And it seemed to me that each one had a story, but they were all putting on a mask for the people around them. One of the teenagers in the corner was flirting behind his girlfriend’s back. One of the mothers had thoughts of ending her life when she got home. One of the fathers thought about smoking pot, like the good old days. It was just a little too real for me. Their eyes pierced mine, and I couldn’t take it. I looked at you. You smiled. They were afraid of the truth. They were afraid it would break them. But they weren’t good enough at hiding their dirty little secrets, unlike me. You looked over and grinned your devilish grin. Our sweaty hands slipped apart, and I was alone.
You grab my hand, and we take off through the grass giggling like we are five again. You make me feel so young. We both want to forget every part of life that is too heavy-almost like we shed the weight of a past life while knee deep in blades of grass. The sun is beating down on my neck and my head is pounding, but I do not care. Being here with you, feeling your thumb caress a rhythm on the back of my hand…how could I ask for anything more? You start to hum a tune that’s vaguely familiar, and it makes me smile. Somehow you hold the key…the key to all my happy memories, and even the key to all the darkness in my life. You keep the darkness closed, tight in a box, unopened, just for a moment. There is a breeze and my shirt picks up around my torso. You turn and give me a devilish grin as you pull me towards you and run your hands up my back. The steady rhythm of your hands translates to my lips, and I lean in to kiss you. I can’t help it, I smile as your lips greet mine. I will forever remember the nothingness of this day-because we melded together as one, like a secret tune only we could hum.
I wake up to the sound of your heartbeat against my neck as your breath travels over my hair and tickles my face. I breathe in the scent of you, of your skin, breath, and our lovemaking. The smell of you has become my best friend. I remember it while grocery shopping, and I remember it while talking with friends. When I lay on your chest and lean over to touch my lips to yours, the wisp of a kiss, I feel your breath on my skin and it makes my body tingle. I could stay like that, almost kissing, for eternity. Just to breathe in the scent of your delicious mouth. Everything about you envelopes me. I wish I could wrap myself in a blanket of us, and our memories, for the rest of my life. Maybe that is what true love really turns out to be, loving even the minute and seemingly unimportant details of them. Maybe truly loving a person is remembering the smell of their almost kiss as you buy produce at the grocery store.
I can see us with the Colorado sunset at our backs and dogs at our feet.
We are happy and well as music fills the house, our home we have built.
The past mistakes, regrets, rejections, and denial are left in the dust.
We only have the future. We only have each other. It’s more than enough.
Thank you for loving my every blemish, my every flaw. Even when tough.
I look at your hair, fraying at the temples and see wisdom in your aura.
You make me better with each passing word and every single glance.
I want to hold your hand when I’m eighty and remember how you squeezed my fingers.
I want to remember all of you when I’m on my deathbed in the dark.
I want our memories to hold me in peace and bring me tears of joy.
I want each embrace to be carved in my mind because those moments…
They are what make us.
The rush of the lights whizzing past my muddled mind.
All I can see is your pain.
You love deeply…you love without looking back.
But I can see the scars. I want to heal your wounds if you’d let me.
All I can do is make this moment better…
To make you smile.
To compliment everything that goes unnoticed by others.
And I’m inspired to be maybe half the person you are.
You always know what to say. A kind word, a silly joke, encouragement…
You always know what I need to hear. It’s like you can see past my facade to my soul. You can see the real me I keep hidden away. And somehow that doesn’t scare you. My deep dark secrets are your burden too. I show you my baggage and you offer your strength. If only I could give half of what you gave me…then you might be happy, content, and peaceful always. That is what I want more than anything…
To give you the desires of your heart.
The touch of your skin
Lingers on me now
The scent of your shirt
Basks around me
The laughter of your lips
Tickles my ear
Only if you were here…
I would kiss your lips
To feel their warmth
I would hug your neck
To show my love
I would whisper sweet nothings
To see your smile
You and you alone
Can I be yours eternally?
My guarantee is that I’m still here. I know it may not seem like much…but it’s me. It’s all I have left.
The remaining pieces of my heart, of my life, they are less than desired. Each and every part of me yearns to be whole again, bright shiny and new.
But somehow you fill my emptiness with light and my night sky isn’t so lonely anymore.
I wish there was some way to be more for you, to give you all the things you desire above all others.
Here I am, with outstretched arms, giving you all the remaining pieces of me. Here I am hoping you can create something beautiful.